When the mind wishes for more

My mind can give a set of instructions for my body to perform. Like here I am now typing this new blog after a very long and tiring day. It has come to my attention that I regret having to pick a 7:30 - 9:00 pm class from Monday to Thursday. I never attended it yesterday(first day of class). However earlier, I discovered that the subject was pretty interesting and our teacher was also interesting. I learned some things about the Ateneo's system and I learned that most of the students shouldn't be blaming the Network whenever there's a heavy load on the enrollment.

4:30 pm
Ate snacks earlier with a friend of mine who's working at The Office. There was an exchange of stories. There were food and everything was good. After that, we returned to The Office. Something happened (not with the friend). I did something but I was too slow and I was unsure. It ended with regret. However it was okay because there'll be a lot of next time's.
Nope it was denial. If indeed it was okay I wouldn't bother mentioning about it in this blog. All I could think about was that I should have done something to avoid regret. I'm not frustrated nor angry, just a bit...slow.

5:00 pm
I sat in the corner of the room still thinking about what happened. In order to pull my self away from the grasps of that unfathomable regret, I watched the local news. Lot of things happened in the local scene. It's the first time I watched news on the television after almost 2 months. I kept watching until it was 6:00pm. It was time for class.

6:00
I'm the beadle for this certain subject which leads to a foggy path with no lights to guide us. There was a smile but it was a deceiving smile. The deceiving smile that speaks of horror. Horror in its most basic form. The form that will forever be entangled in my web of thought. However, if it was horror, I choose to face it. If the horror can smile at me, I could simply smile back. I have a lot of masks to wear and I can play the human being that's a demon in the inside. Or maybe that was just me exaggerating. There's just too much uncertainty there as I reflect and recall the experiences that I have had before. Anyway, I just have to play my part.

7:00
We were dismissed early, and I guessed it right. For some weird reason I guessed it right. I went back to The Office to wait for my next class which would be at 7:30. I sat down on the same spot where I was back at 5. Instead of the TV keeping me from the thought of regret earlier, it was vice versa. I couldn't think of anything but regret. Every 5 minutes I checked the time. Then it was 7:30

7:34
I was in class. It was my first time to attend that class. I thought It'd be boring but I was surprised with the introductory topic.As I've mentioned, it was interesting. There was a discussion until 8:30 pm.

8:30
I was strolling through Ateneo Avenue with a classmate which gave me tips on my subjects. I was thankful and as always, I am amazed by his prowess in programming. I arrived at the spot where I usually wait for my ride. There was a shrug of isolation for some moments and I was out of this world. I didn't know if there were tricycles that stopped by, I couldn't tell. It was like being in a void of darkness for some seconds then I started seing the lights again. "Calauag po sa may Azucena" then I was off that spot.

12:15
I started on this blog. There's no music on the play list. The only band that plays is My Room. My hand typing on the keyboard and the sound of the fan that makes me feel comfortable while I'm sitting in front of my desk. I'm alone but not lonely. For some reason being alone gives me clear vision of what had happened. Everything is so clear right now. It's like watching the events from an imaginary tube in front of me. There were a lot of happy moments earlier but The Regret's starting to ruin it all. I know it's my fault and I couldn't do anything about it anymore. Don't cry over spilled milk. That's what's keeping me for a while. I could only heave a big sigh on whatever happened. SIGH I was just too slow. The preparation was too long, there was no need for a timetable (lol).


Well I guess that's all. But it makes me wonder, What happened to my 12:00 - 4:30? Well there was expectation but nothing interesting happened so I guess it's not worth writing about.

My mind just wishes for more right now but it can't give everything. I can gain anything through imagining but that's about it. I think it's just my numbness and my sensitivity clashing. I hate it when it happens. I'm always in the middle. But that's just my mind. As always and as people keep telling, let the mind and the heart work in harmony. Maybe the unknown has been spreading fear again. Or maybe it's not the unknown but the fear inside me that's surfacing. But, what if it wasn't cowardice of facing what may come but courage to make the right choice, to make the right decision and not sacrifice the others?

Random thoughts.